commencing 20th october 2025
shit's weird!
i haven’t exactly known what to write the past couple of weeks because shit just doesn’t feel real. i don’t feel like i’ve understood anything or taken a dang thing in. part of this is probably where i’m at health-wise - post-crisis mode, ears still ringing, heart still beating, cortisol regulating, just learning to sleep through the night again. i’ve become weirdly focused on my fibre intake and on taking my vegetables like a good girl.
another part of it is just… what the fuck? about the entire world. i found out katy perry and justin trudeau are dating? every celebrity over forty is getting divorced? nothing feels real. no one else seems to understand that the world has turned into a fucking meme - that everything, except witnessing suffering on the news, feels like a joke. how am i supposed to work or make art in the trudeau-perryverse? how am i supposed to exist under these conditions??? i need to lie down.
i mean, i also think that’s kind of an exciting place to be, in some ways. my therapist sebastian agrees. (and i should clarify that because between him, family therapy with my mum, and a third secret thing, i currently have three therapists. because life is a fucking joke.) i feel so incapable of accepting anything but what i’m given right now, which is definitely a good thing in a lot of ways. i feel easier about cancelling or being late. i’ve been told to slow down and i’m taking the message; every time i have a slow evening, i sleep like a baby. idk how i’m supposed to care about being at a meeting, sorry, justin trudeau is dating katy perry and the entire world is upside down, so like, i can be five minutes late, yeah? how am i supposed to jump for money or opportunity at a time like this?
it’s weirding me out, in a kind of absurdist way, but i sort of hope a lot of of new me sticks. i like not panicking if i’m five minutes late for a meeting. i like not paying attention in a zoom call because, honestly, nothing matters anyway. i like being tuned in enough to say, hold up - i actually need to go home. i like understanding my capacity. i obviously don’t want to go as far as being a flake, but i think i’ve been chronically reliable for so long that maybe i’ve earned being ten percent less reliable. that ten percent might actually save my sanity. and people have been honestly very easy about it, when i’ve fucked up and forgotten myself and my schedule. i think i am steadily realising that although i feel very strongly about exerting my opinions in places where it doesn’t affect people much, like my fashion choices or my home, the second another person comes into the room i really feel that instinct wane, and practising it is weirdly difficult.
shit’s weird! i think i’m handling it gracefully enough. i haven’t yet figured out how to get myself to the london buddhist centre, but i’m feeling the call to meditate in community and feel things out. nothing feels serious, and being serious feels impossible right now - which is probably for the best.
things i have done: booked a bunch of plays like it’s nobody’s business. discovered the board-game side of vinted, to the detriment of my wallet (but much less so than if i’d bought them new). spent a lot of one on one time with friends in various settings.
fun things from the last two weeks:
went to see bog witch, which handled a bunch of heavy themes with grace, levity, and beauty
had a couple of driving lessons - my instructor os basically the mr. miyagi of driving, all ‘be one with the brake,’ which was… not ideal. i attract this specific type of older man in my seeking new knowledge, who’s like, ‘you rush so much! you’re so anxious! have you tried not doing that?’ like, my brother in christ, i’ve been in therapy longer than you’ve had this job. shut up. when has pointing out anxiety ever helped? you aren’t revolutionary, you’re just mansplaining, and i’m just trying to exist, and giving me three critiques and two sets of instructions when i’m at a roundabout is actually extremely unhelpful!
been rehearsing for wild mix, a show i’m in with some members of my choir at the southbank this thursday - it’s nearly sold out! i’m excited to see it and it has me contemplating my own life story and what that looks like. these days i mostly feel like i am walking around in a cloud of fog and it’s hard to pull anything at all out of it. it’s hard to know remember anything without prompt. my brain feels like a maze or a very dense forest.
speaking of, went for a walk in epping forest and saw some excellent mushrooms, including a fly agaric! which is like, a classic toadstool. which was really cool, they’re apparently not very common.
had a halloween party that was genuinely great because lots of people i love came through and i got to see them, but also really quite overwhelming. in general i have been reflecting a lot on the kind of connection that feels good to me, because big groups generally don’t.
we are literally one workman’s day away from the house being finished (that day has been tomorrow for four weeks now), but my god, we’re close. i can taste it. i’m going to give it at least a few months before i try to touch anything else - especially the bathroom.
