commencing 2nd march 2025
perceived intelligence is a social construct (and i am failing at it.)
i feel like nothing ever changes, and then it does. and i’m here, throwing a tantrum about how nothing ever changes, as if it’s some kind of cruel and unusual punishment - when in reality, everything changes, and i change with it.
i finish therapy in a month. i’m debating whether to switch therapists or just stop for a while. i used to really need a space i paid for just to be able to exist and manage myself, but these days, i’m a lot better at making that space for myself. at least, for the moment. the way i deal with problems is still by running through them in my head a million and one times, which at least keeps me from talking everyone’s ear off about the same old things. but even that has eased up. my life doesn’t feel like it takes up so much headspace anymore.
what do i have to focus on? doing my work. reading (i’m reading five books at once right now, which is a more chaotic state than i’d like). i don’t really have many relationships that feel noisy or high-maintenance right now. that could change. people need to be inconvenient sometimes, myself included. but i think the people around me now are easier to be around than the ones i used to hold close. i thought that was just how friendships were, that you always had to be managing things, bracing a little. but now that i’m on the other side of it, i can see how much space those friendships took up in my head, how much smaller i made myself to accommodate them.
it’s a relief. and it’s also weirdly sad, because i loved those people. and they loved me too. they just also made me feel like i was a problem.
i’ve felt stupid a lot this week. i keep thinking about how strange it is to feel both really capable and really incompetent at the same time. there are things i know i’m good at, things that come naturally or that i’ve worked hard to be comfortable with, where i feel sharp and confident and assured. but then there are spaces where i feel like i’m always getting something slightly wrong, like i’m missing an unspoken rule that everyone else just knows. and in those spaces, no one sees the parts of me that are smart or quick or thoughtful. they just see me fumbling. and it’s not a big deal, but it still affects my self-image.
it wears on me. i don’t mind learning, and i don’t even mind messing up, but i hate that creeping feeling that people have already decided i’m a little bit stupid. that nothing i do will shift that impression. i hate how easily i absorb it, how quickly i start to believe it myself. how easily i project it onto other people, even when there’s no real evidence they think that way. assuming they do is assuming the worst of them, not just of myself. it’s complicated. self-image is complicated, and being a person is complicated.
some non-work things i did this week (less than usual - i’ve been trying to chill a bit more, as ever):
wandered around trinity buoy wharf with alaa. i had no idea this place existed, so it was really neat to stumble across it. we met an artist in his studio who used to be in extreme sports, and he invited us to a gallery opening i couldn’t attend. but the whole thing felt lovely and serendipitous.
finished the second-to-last phase of my degree. i literally forget that i’m doing this degree half the time because it’s just not much work, and i have plenty of wacky shit to say about the government’s level-up scheme from firsthand experience. but i’m close to done, and then i’ll be eligible for a paid-for mba, which will be interesting and hopefully good. i’m finishing up about six months earlier than planned, which is good for moving forward if things go as expected. the organisation running it has been wildly disorganised, going from ‘you can take follow-on options for up to five years’ to ‘we can only guarantee a free option for six months after,’ so i don’t think i have the option of a break anymore. but i’m not sure i need one. school is fine.
went to see otherland with alex (a late birthday gift). i was really keen! i like the almeida, i loved the playwright’s previous work. but i just found it difficult to care about any of the characters. but sometimes you swing and you miss, and that’s totally fine. we got ice cream in the intermission.
played holi with some pals. it’s been a few years, so i’m glad i made time for it. i’ve been trying to convince my community centre to do a holi event, but i left it too late to apply for the park permits this year. we ended up going to cinnamon kitchen, but i think i could have just done an informal park thing like i used to. it’s a lot to organise, though, and people don’t want to be running around covered in paint all day without a shower anymore.
went to see son of a bitch with my friend haroon (my second of guleraana’s plays this year; long may it continue). i still find it really interesting to see the work of people i know out in the world. i enjoyed this play a lot and found it really funny, but it also maddened and saddened me, as i think it was meant to.
pav stayed over and i went to an absolute beginners dance class she ran. it was a fun time!
i didn’t have loads of time to take fit pics this week. next week i’ll try harder! xxx