commencing 5th may 2025
on the art of not organising for once
some weeks it feels like life is dragging itself out of you - like your future self left a series of commitments scattered across the calendar and now it’s time to show up to all of them. whether or not you feel ready.
i’m in that phase. the tail end of a degree, the height of work chaos, the rumble of things i used to be able to give energy to slowly restarting around me. the choir i founded. the birdwatching group i gave up on after people flaked last minute one too many times in a row. people are pushing to bring things back to life. and mostly, my reaction is: you go ahead. not unkindly. but also not going to offer myself up as a lynchpin again right now. i’m busy. i’m tired. i’m doing a lot, even if none of it looks like leadership in the traditional sense. i’ve realised I don’t want to be anyone’s group mama. not right now. maybe not ever. there’s a difference between building community and being made responsible for people’s feelings. and i’m only just learning how to say no without guilt and take care of myself - i can’t afford to forget again. i’m not sure if I’ll ever go back to organising community stuff in the same way (life is long; never say never). there’s a kind of romantic ego kick in being the one to pull things together - but the reality is messy. people flake. people avoid responsibility. people want to feel included without doing the thing. it’s exhausting. i’ve been there too, of course. but I don’t want to build my life around other people’s half-formed intentions.
it’s not that things aren’t good. they are good. really good. will and i spent a weekend in liverpool exploring. i’m throwing tall vases now. i’ve started noticing how learning in one direction helps the other - how making bowls helps with balance, and making vases helps with control, and all of it feeds the whole. my hands remember what to do now. wheel time isn’t something i have to schedule or squeeze in. it’s part of the rhythm of my life. an artist date, on repeat. i’m prepping pieces for raku firing (my first!). it’s small, but i’m excited. that’s enough.
i think i’ve stopped (for now!) needing to chase a sense of output. i am leaving people’s commitments to the people who made them and not making it my job to project manage them. i can see it all around me. sometimes i resent the things i committed to - the band practice i scheduled in a good mood three weeks ago and now have to show up for, overstretched. but i do know that once i’m there, something will happen.tThe creative act will take place. and that is really important. life pulls the art out of me, whether or not i try. i simply make the time and it happens. as julia cameron says: i will take care of the quantity, and the great creator takes care of the quality.
i don’t have to force it. i don’t need to manufacture momentum. i’m already in motion.
the fun things i did this week:
peppered my friend rodrigo to meet me for lunch so we could talk about art making and my neuroses. we went to popham’s, which i’ve been meaning to try for ages because it’s supposedly got good toasties. i thought the toastie was pretty good.
went to see dear england with my brother. he’s been telling himself that plays are better to read than to see (i think one of those things you tell yourself when you have a baby and physically cannot see plays). i am grateful to have dissuaded him of this notion. it was sick the second time around too.
went up to liverpool for the weekend to meet my friends mark and laura! we wandered around the city, wandered around the beach, saw some art, saw some civil infrastructure, and watched karate kid for the first time ever. a pretty nice weekend trip.
started a four week shuffle dance class. i’ve got some practice to do because my feet just don’t move some of these ways, but i’m pretty confident that i can get up to speed on it if i just try somewhat. wouldn’t that be nice. isn’t it nice that a lot of the time all you have to do is practice?
i didn’t take loads of fit pictures, just the one this week - i’ve just gotten out of the habit lately while we’ve been travelling more. i’ve been logging my outfits on whering though! i have been reflecting on tracee ellis ross as style inspiration. it’s good to have some! xxx