commencing 6th october 2025
starting off spooky season with bodily changes, the scariest of all phenomena
i miss sleeping within ten minutes of hitting the pillow. i miss peace and quiet and not having ambient noise on. i miss silence. i really valued peace and quiet and wanted to get back to it, and now it feels like i’ve taken it away from myself. i’ve been put on a bunch of steroids, so hopefully those help, and i’m getting a bit better at ignoring it now it’s nearly been a week. but i can’t help feeling like i’ve destroyed my own life again.
it reminds me of summer 2016, when i went off my eczema meds because of topical steroid withdrawal fears and sent myself into a horrible three-month flare. my natural state when ailing seems to be flailing because i’d unfortunately rather die than suffer. and life is suffering, but i had found a nice equilibrium with my body, and now it’s gone. it may or may not return. all is not lost, though; most people either recover or get used to it within a few months. i really hope that’s me. i’d love to hear quiet again someday. i didn’t take it for granted before.
the band did their first show without me this week - apparently a very stressful fifteen-minute set. i’m glad they tried it. now i’m off larger-scale musical duty for at least two or three weeks. i’ve got choir next week, but i’ll be placed at the back, and if it feels too much or reads too high on my audiometer, i’ll have to leave. it sucks to lose this much at once - so much of what i do is built around loudness: gigs, shows, rehearsals, choir, festivals. it sucks to maybe lose all of that, at least for a while. but hopefully it’ll come back. from what i gather, it’s mostly a mindset thing, but unfortunately my mindset kind of sucks right now and i’m too much of a blob to fix it.
and like, most people don’t talk about the bodily struggles they’re having, so it’s hard to compare or feel understood. i feel a bit alone in it, actually. sometimes i just want people to tell me what they’ve got going on so i can feel reassured that we’re all dealing with something in reality rather than just intellectually. but you can’t know what you don’t know.
fun things i did this week:
shot a music video
had a pottery exhibit at my community centre for world mental health day, which was cute and a goal of mine for the latter half of the year was to exhibit my work somewhere and maybe start a giveaway shelf. i think i’m gonna start a giveaway shelf around the christmas season just for my neighbours when the home works are fully done
went to reference point, this cute chess café alaa introduced me to. she beat me spectacularly. i’ve been learning duolingo chess. maybe i’ll get there.
checked out karma bread with a new friend. their za’atar focaccia is great.
went to family therapy, which actually went really well. you’re not supposed to be scoring points, but my mum and i had a phone call that didn’t end with me feeling frustrated for the first time in years. that’s kind of a massive win.
painted the bedroom oranger - more orange than ever before. i cannot wait to drill the curtain holes back in tomorrow.
had what’s becoming a little tradition for my ultra lows: went to fara feeling crummy and found an incredible deal on what would’ve been a very expensive fusalp coat. (last time it was moncler. you get the idea.)
not much else. a lot of sitting at home, catching up on sleep, working, obsessively researching. some wins, but also one phenomenal L.
i don’t feel very cute right now. hopefully when i’ve had a few more sleeps - curtains closed, room dark, ears calmer - i’ll feel better. whether that’s because this heals or because i just get used to it. xxx